"I am not the same person I was. É I used to act dumb. It was an act. I know that I can make a difference. God has given me a new chance."

 
- Paris Hilton to Barbara Walters

 
"I met this little bimbo with an IQ of a salad bar when I stopped by the L.A. County jail last week. It made me realize even I can be flawed."

 
- God to Oprah Winfrey

 
OK, MAYBE God really didn't guest on Oprah's show, but I'm quite sure that had he really popped into the L.A. County jail for a little heart to heart with America's favorite convict, the conversation probably would have gone something like this:

 
PARIS: Ooooh, look at those robes - who are you wearing? And, the sandals ... are they Jimmy Choo?

 
GOD: Oh, they're just a little something I created. Kind of like you ... lightweight and with very little texture.

 
PARIS: Listen, G - Can I call you G? - I picked up your book on the way to jail and it's hot. A few typos - "thee" instead of "the" for instance; and a little self important - but I guess they always say, "Write what you know."

 
GOD: Yeah, I've got a billion things to do every day - family issues and the like. I've got a lot of children, you know. Meanwhile, the mother of my No. 1 son is out making appearances. It's not

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 easy being me.

 
PARIS: It's not easy being YOU? How'd you like to be ME? I've missed five parties in the last week, there is NO face cream here and look - look right here - do you see the zit on my nose?"

 
GOD (interrupting): É You just take your two index fingers and É

 
PARIS: STOP, I can't do that. It may be fine for you, nobody's ever seen your face, but me. ... I've got a public.

 
GOD: Frankly, honey, your face is not one of my better ones. Take away a few hotels and you're another skinny blonde in a paper hat dispensing Whoppers. Not that that's bad mind you - remember all of my children are created equal.

 
PARIS: Yes, but I've always been more equal. And, I'm sick. I have ADD, you know.

 
GOD: Of course, I know - I gave it to you. I have HBO - much better.

 
PARIS: And I'm depressed. I'm taking Lexapro.

 
GOD: Certainly you're depressed. Just look at this place. It's a dump. I'm depressed just being here - and I get to leave. I'm only here this time because I needed to redeem myself after failing to help the Golden State Warriors make a free throw in the playoffs.

 
PARIS: I can be your redemption, G. I'll change my ways. That dumb blonde thing - it worked pretty well the first 26 years but I need some good PR. Maybe I can cure something. Nothing big ... Ebola maybe ... something like that.

 
GOD: Let me see what I've got here: Plague - I took care of that one; scurvy - we're on top of that; rickets is pretty much under control; diphtheria - I think we're good. I've got prickly heat and the heartbreak of psoriasis. Want to take a shot at either of those?

 
PARIS: I love Psoriasis - it's always either been him or Plato whom I've admired most. I'll lend my name to a lotion for those plagued with the dreaded disease and I won't stop until the last person's hand is silky smooth. And I'll hire someone to hold it. I'm so glad I found you.

 
GOD: That's my problem. I seem to only be getting "found" by people in jail, in hospitals or at the Betty Ford clinic. And the occasional boxing champion or Super Bowl hero. And you know what? As soon as they get back to their old selves, they never write, they never call. Today is Father's Day, you think I'll hear from many of my children?

 
I've got nuclear proliferation, famine, genocide and skirmishes everywhere to deal with and do my kids ask, "how ya' doin'?" NO! It's "do this for me, do that for me, if I ask nicely will you give me something?"

 
PARIS: I know how you feel, G - everybody wants me to give them something, too. And I usually do. Hey, thanks for coming. I'll have my people call your people.

 
GOD (exiting, under his breath): Thank Me I've got an unlisted phone.

 

Barry Tompkins is a longtime sports broadcaster who lives in Marin. Contact him via lifestyles@marinij.com  (Related)  .